I'm always surprised at how quickly I become derailed.....by life, by sickness, by fatigue.
This will be my LBY post for this week. The past MONTH has been a wild ride. I am certainly LBY.
The surgery to remove endometrial polyps is still not a sure thing. We have Cigna insurance and it's TERRIBLE. I'm having trouble getting a facility, doctor and surgeon at the same hospital on my insurance "list". *sigh*
Today is my daughter's birthday. She died 3 years ago after sustaining injuries in an accident. This birthday hit me harder than the others. I'm not really sure why that is. I've been a mess. :o(
Two weeks ago my husband told me to check into how much a divorce would cost. He recanted the next day saying maybe we should check into counseling. I don't believe that our marriage is past hope - I think that the loss of a child, financial struggle and family issues have widened the gap between us. We've always been independant. I viewed that as a generally positive thing. But somehow that independance has led into leading parallel lives. We're working on things and making positive changes. Last night we prayed TOGETHER for the first time in a long time.
Last Friday my youngest son has his tonsils and adenoids out and ear tubes put in. He's not recovering as fast as expected. For a while last weekend, I thought his little body would melt into mine. He has been so miserable and doped up all week. He's rarely left his place lying on my chest. He's two and this is not normal for a two year old boy.
Today we found out that my MIL has cancer. We're not sure what the prognosis is or what the treatment plan may be yet until we get results from more tests back Monday or Tuesday of next week. The endocrinologist said that if it's the aggressive form (and he doesn't think it is) he'll give her 3 months and send her home. Otherwise, treatment will be discussed (radiation, surgical removal, etc) after the test results are in. She and I have had a topsy-turvy relationship over the past 17 years DH and I have been together but I'm so sorry she's facing this. I hate seeing DH so crushed - we found out about the cancer this morning and he left with the two oldest kids to go be with his parents. I couldn't go - IL's house is tiny, the six of us overwhelm it, and MIL needs to "lay low" this weekend. With little DS still recovering after having his tonsils out....
I'm so glad God is in control because I feel so out of control and helpless. This afternoon I sat in the van waiting for McD's drive thru (ugh) and I prayed. The week has been filled with such upheaval and stress - "Lord, please fill me - I'm so empty" Peace like a river, not like a pond. ;o) I really had a sense of peace come over me. I may go spend the day with my family tomorrow - but I may not. I felt very alone but so many friends have offered to spend tonight with me (my DD's birthday) and even my pastor said to come hang out over there. And this was after I asked him to find a substitue for my Sunday School class. :o)
In the midst of all of this, a small bright spot that just gleamed for us today. Each day since a few weeks after my daughter's death, I've worn a necklace with her hospital footprint casted in gold. It's a small necklace - the pendant is just a bit bigger than a dime - but it is very precious to me. Six weeks ago, DH and I attended a marriage conference in another nearby town. I had forgotten my CLOTHES (don't ask) and we had to pick up a couple blouses at Wal*Mart (gasp!) so I had something to wear. (Nope, not a Target around.) I picked out a cute blouse but the necklace didn't work with this particular blouse.
We returned home and I discovered a few days later that the necklace was no where to be found. I called the hotel - I was sure I had left it there - and offered a reward. Nothing. :o(
I gave up and called to order a new one only to be told a new one. I'm still waiting for the replacement.
Well, as I was sitting on the bed watching DH and the kids gather their things to leave, DS #1 (6) comes out of his room and proudly announces that he's found my precious necklace! How it found it's way into his room and fell beside his bed, I have no idea. I moved around that room a few weeks ago and never saw it.
I'm so pleased to have this precious piece of gold around my neck again. It's a simple thing that means so much to me. And to have it found on my daughter's birthday - in the midst of my MIL's diagnosis - well, it's that much sweeter.